Daily Read #23: Modernizing the Myths and Magic of Christmas

***Father Christmas Spoiler Alert***
If you are reading the blog out loud to your children as you eat dinner together you may want to skip over this one. If you still believe in Santa yourself, keep it up and come back tomorrow you've made it this far I don't want to be the one to change that.
***Father Christmas Spoiler Alert***

So my daughter announced today when I got in the car that Santa Claus was going to bring her presents. I looked at my wife and she said, I had to tell her but I felt kind of guilty doing it because it feels like I'm lying. I of course said that's because you are, but it likely won't be the last time either so you need to be less conscionable about it. I'm fine if she believes in unicorns, magic shows and muppets, Santa Claus is just one more fond deception she'll look back on and thank us for maintaining as long as we can.

However there are a few updates that must be made to the Santa myth in order for me to 'sell' it to my children.

First the elves don't make the toys--they haven't since the development of modernized overseas markets, assembly lines and synthetic plastics. The elves man customer service call centers and provide technical support. Yes the elves are a little hard of hearing (surprising because of their ear size) which is why Daddy speaks loudly to them and those words that Daddy doesn't want you to say are 'Elvish'-you can say them too when you are an adult and speaking to an Elf about your insurance billing.

Santa doesn't ride in a sleigh anymore. He drives a red hybrid with the horsepower of eight tiny reindeer. Lacking towing capacity you say? It's okay because he just uses it to get to public appearances and church on Sunday. The toy delivery well he's converted to drop shipping.

He had to relocate his headquarters since Al Gore started traipsing round the arctic circle. He's now based out of South America. The packages get sent out piece by piece in little brown boxes marked 'Amazon'.

Santa's appearance. Yup that too needs a make over. First Beards are creepy, I would like my children to be distrustful of men in beards who want them to sit on their lap all year round. No exceptions. Also Santa's quit smoking and cut down on that highly dangerous belly fat. He's every bit as jolly as ever because yes 'skinny' people can be merry too.

In fact, Santa now looks a lot like this:

Okay so this is Daddy's boss and thesis chair, but whether or not you get Christmas this year or in years future depend on whether he thinks Daddy's been naughty or nice. Oh and no calling him Santa to his face, it's Dr. Claus to you and Daddy.

Santa's dress yep since he lost all that weight and relocated, he dresses better too. No more fur and red velvet. He now sports a poly-synthetic red track suit with reflective trim; it wicks as he works no one wants a sweaty Santa. The boots were switched out for some ergonomic running shows that help prevent over-pronation.

There are also not elves who watch you to see if you are being good. Again we're eliminating all the really creepy parts of the myth. Mommy and Daddy regularly do performance evaluations with Santa via skype and we've implanted a sensor that tracks your time in the 'timeout' chair. We don't need a chimney to let Santa in the house, we've got broadband.

Santa's big bag of toys, yep that too has been trimmed down. It's now a messenger bag that carries a toy, a book, and an outfit. The lack of a plural 's' shouldn't cause you a great sense of alarm-you've got Grandmas. Mommy will also buy you a "few" things before Daddy freezes her debit card in a five gallon bucket of ice.

You may worry about the myth unraveling with some of the historical depictions of Father Christmas that float around at this time of year. I'm really not. Pull up a picture of George Washington and President Obama. Things Change--no stopping it. And the mall santa? Nope not worried there either. I'll just say "Tell me who's crying and who's smiling? That's right; the old people are smiling because he looks like the Santa they remember and the young people are crying because they can tell that he's a has been and a fake. Now keep walking we've got to get back to the car before we start being charged for parking. "

Can you think of any other things I need to make sure I include in my modern deception?

Comment below.

Oh and help make sure that even with the updates Santa continues to come through for all the kids around the world [or atleast those close at hand]. Pledge by clicking the change button in the sidebar. The Pledge dates start this Sunday every view after that will start to add up!!

Daily Read #22: The gifts that keep on giving....embarassment

They say it's the thought that counts but there are some gifts that looking back leave us wondering what were we thinking? Our collective society should now be ashamed with some of the mass chaos caused by some of the following. Whose childhood would have been drastically different (in a bad way) without opening one of the followingon Christmas day?

Remember the Furby? He cooed he talked blinked and even sang [which means in any given day he was as productive as a number of our nations elected officials]. He looked like the love child of an Ewok and a Mogwai (ala Gremlins). Can you imagine the personal embarassment that must rack those whose criminal record includes fighting over one of these on Black Friday?

Now the last picture might evoke a slight sentimental appreciation from those of you who grew up in the Chia Pet hayday and hey well if everyone was doing it, no need to feel embarrassed about it, right? [Think leisure suits]. So this is what kids did before the Internet? Sit and watch their Chia pet grow? What happened after it was done growing? Did you if you have to sheer it? Also what kind of plant was it? Alfalfa sprouts? Because then you could atleast eat the fruits of your labor. Because nothing says Christmas like Alfalfa sprouts.

Which of you has had the good fortune of seeing Billy the Big Mouth bass in person? The singing flopping fish that turns on with a motion sensor to startle and amuse those checking out the other manhood spoils mounted on your wall. [what 'manhood spoils' could I post on the wall? The windshield wipers I replaced a month ago -- unfortunately that's about it].

Magic Eye. Worst Fad ever. Totally alienated me and my semi-lazy right-eye. Could not do it and kind of believe it's the biggest hoax since the moon landing [okay so that probably happened]. "Yeah wow it's like jumping out at me. You can't see it? What's wrong with you?"

Tamagotchi, giga pets, digimon. Hate to admit I had one of these but then again I'm probably a better parent because of them. Okay so a tamagotchi was a little more demanding.

This was the 'it' toy of 1991--the year our giant purple friend made his unfortunate debut. The thing that surprises me is that you would think this had a fairly narrow demographic that was much smaller than the number that sold. I want to know who the unfortunate soul is that at 13 had to thank his Grandma for the great gift.

Now at what point are you beanie baby barons going to sell your treasure trove of mint condition heart tag covered plush pets? Do you really think these things are going to make it on Antiques Roadshow 2120? Of course your lucky posterity will likely keep them then too as the viewing audience screams sell, sell, sell--after all they will be legacy pieces.

Need I say more!
At least it gets worse...

Nothing says 'To Catch a Predator' like tickle me elmo gloves.

Well to get to the point [thank you for indulging me], Books may never be the 'it' item of the season but I can think of very few that come back to haunt you. Sure there are fad books, Goosebumps, Babysitter's club, and so forth but are you ever embarrassed that you read them? Billy the Big mouth Bass embarrased? Not likely.

Which brings us back to the reason for the season. From Dec 5 - Dec 18 for every visit to Goodreadsforgooddeeds a donation will be made to buy books for the Sub for Santa program. So in the very least make sure you stop in every day and send over a friend or two.

If you, like me, think that under every kid's Christmas Tree there should be atleast one book between the Tickle me Elmo and Tamagotchi, then please pledge. You can pledge any amount you are comfortable with and for any length of the contest one day to two weeks. Click on the 'Change' button in the Left side button for more information.

Daily Read #21: Just have to get this out before I get all Kris Kringle

I have developed a little bit of scrooge reputation. I will admit that it's not completely unfounded. It's not intended to be ill-natured I just like to give all of my holidays their own space. My mental calendar resembles an elementary school lunch tray. I don't like my holidays touching anymore than I would like to dry my underwear in same dryer with that of my neighbors. Call me irrational.

I don't understand how some people can carve pumpkins while listening to Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire and munching on Cadbury eggs with their Valentine.

And don't even get me started on people that turn their Christmas lights back on to add to the color of a Fourth of July celebration. [If I'm ever mayor for a day, fines will be assessed to those houses that keep Christmas lights on after the groundhog's prediction for spring has passed.]

There are some things that I don't mind if they stick around in remembrance of Christmas past and future like Andes Mints and Orange Sticks but Cherry cordials have a very short shelf life and must be consumed before the final bowl game. [Which company makes cherry cordials? maybe they could sponsor their own bowl game; maybe BYU could go to a bowl game after all--The Cherry Cordial Bowl].

Does anyone drink egg-nog outside of a window of 15 days before or after winter solstice? I'm pretty sure the reason the earth tilts so far back at the solstice is because of all you egg-nog chugglers. I think it's the one food the FDA doesn't require nutritional information on seeing as how it shares a frightening number of health benefits with Draino. I get the whole restriction on how many bottles of sudafed one person can buy, but where are the regulations on people buying enough eggnog to marinade a Christmas Luau pig (We'll call the dish Mele Kalikimaka youfat).

What about wassail? I'm pretty sure drinking wassail on any day other than December 24th or 25th is hazardous to your health. Hey I'll bottoms up a glass of that hot spiced punch with the best of them but it better be while waiting to hear reindeer on my roof.

Speaking of reindeer. Have you seen reindeer at the zoo during their 'off season'--saddest lot of ruminants to ever walk the planet. They make the sloths look perky.

So a friend of friend of friend told me their sister's cousin's doula*read in the Huffington Post that It's a Wonderful Life and White Christmas were played on loop in Guantanamo Bay? I know I'd be singing like a canary before Clarence got his wings for the third time. But it's probably not true or else we would have caught Bin Laden by now. *[I try to keep six degrees of separation between myself and anyone that reads the Huffington Post].

All right I'll stop before someone a little more 'holly jolly' grinds up a poinsetta and leaves it in a fruit cake on my front porch. [I know, I know nobody actually eats fruit cake but the impending end to my semester tends to make me eat a lot of anything in large quantities. I can't sell back any of my books because most of them look like they were used to support a wobbly table in a soup kitchen.]

One Christmasey thing I do wish we would do more abundantly year round is give.*
Click the change button in the side bar and pledge today. If you listen carefully when you click the submit button you can hear the rumble of the Polar Express.

*Okay shameless manipulation of holiday guilt but it can't be worse than that Salvation Army bell.