Daily Read #23: Modernizing the Myths and Magic of Christmas

***Father Christmas Spoiler Alert***
If you are reading the blog out loud to your children as you eat dinner together you may want to skip over this one. If you still believe in Santa yourself, keep it up and come back tomorrow you've made it this far I don't want to be the one to change that.
***Father Christmas Spoiler Alert***

So my daughter announced today when I got in the car that Santa Claus was going to bring her presents. I looked at my wife and she said, I had to tell her but I felt kind of guilty doing it because it feels like I'm lying. I of course said that's because you are, but it likely won't be the last time either so you need to be less conscionable about it. I'm fine if she believes in unicorns, magic shows and muppets, Santa Claus is just one more fond deception she'll look back on and thank us for maintaining as long as we can.

However there are a few updates that must be made to the Santa myth in order for me to 'sell' it to my children.

First the elves don't make the toys--they haven't since the development of modernized overseas markets, assembly lines and synthetic plastics. The elves man customer service call centers and provide technical support. Yes the elves are a little hard of hearing (surprising because of their ear size) which is why Daddy speaks loudly to them and those words that Daddy doesn't want you to say are 'Elvish'-you can say them too when you are an adult and speaking to an Elf about your insurance billing.

Santa doesn't ride in a sleigh anymore. He drives a red hybrid with the horsepower of eight tiny reindeer. Lacking towing capacity you say? It's okay because he just uses it to get to public appearances and church on Sunday. The toy delivery well he's converted to drop shipping.

He had to relocate his headquarters since Al Gore started traipsing round the arctic circle. He's now based out of South America. The packages get sent out piece by piece in little brown boxes marked 'Amazon'.

Santa's appearance. Yup that too needs a make over. First Beards are creepy, I would like my children to be distrustful of men in beards who want them to sit on their lap all year round. No exceptions. Also Santa's quit smoking and cut down on that highly dangerous belly fat. He's every bit as jolly as ever because yes 'skinny' people can be merry too.

In fact, Santa now looks a lot like this:

Okay so this is Daddy's boss and thesis chair, but whether or not you get Christmas this year or in years future depend on whether he thinks Daddy's been naughty or nice. Oh and no calling him Santa to his face, it's Dr. Claus to you and Daddy.

Santa's dress yep since he lost all that weight and relocated, he dresses better too. No more fur and red velvet. He now sports a poly-synthetic red track suit with reflective trim; it wicks as he works no one wants a sweaty Santa. The boots were switched out for some ergonomic running shows that help prevent over-pronation.

There are also not elves who watch you to see if you are being good. Again we're eliminating all the really creepy parts of the myth. Mommy and Daddy regularly do performance evaluations with Santa via skype and we've implanted a sensor that tracks your time in the 'timeout' chair. We don't need a chimney to let Santa in the house, we've got broadband.

Santa's big bag of toys, yep that too has been trimmed down. It's now a messenger bag that carries a toy, a book, and an outfit. The lack of a plural 's' shouldn't cause you a great sense of alarm-you've got Grandmas. Mommy will also buy you a "few" things before Daddy freezes her debit card in a five gallon bucket of ice.

You may worry about the myth unraveling with some of the historical depictions of Father Christmas that float around at this time of year. I'm really not. Pull up a picture of George Washington and President Obama. Things Change--no stopping it. And the mall santa? Nope not worried there either. I'll just say "Tell me who's crying and who's smiling? That's right; the old people are smiling because he looks like the Santa they remember and the young people are crying because they can tell that he's a has been and a fake. Now keep walking we've got to get back to the car before we start being charged for parking. "

Can you think of any other things I need to make sure I include in my modern deception?

Comment below.

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